Another Day, Another Ten Cents

There comes a time to sit back and reflect on your direction in life. 

For me, that time is now – when Bill is away from his desk and I can space out for a while. 

My dreams and my reality have one thing in common – both involve being actively passive (lazy). But that’s where the similarities end. 

In my dreams, I’m a corporate high flyer. I have no superiors and many subordinates. 

In reality, I’m at the bottom of the corporate ladder. I have many superiors and no subordinates. 

In my dreams, I relax and take it easy. I achieve results by delegating excessive workloads with unrealistic deadlines to my staff. 

In reality, I also relax and take it easy when I can. But those above me achieve results by placing excessive workloads and unrealistic deadlines upon me. 

In my dreams, subordinates make way for me in office corridors. 

In reality, I make way for superiors in office corridors. 

In my dreams, I work in my own cushy office, complete with a view across the city, my own personal fridge and a small pot plant, watered by my personal assistant. 

In reality, I work at my own compact cubicle – complete a view of a thick grey concrete wall, my own personal stack of files and a $2 pot plant watered by me. 

In my dreams, I drive a new Holden Statesman, provided as part of my generous compensation package.  

In reality, I battle traffic in a thirty year old Volkswagen, provided for by debt repayments made from my modest compensation package. 

In my dreams, my investment portfolio is showing consistent appreciation in value through fresh contributions and healthy investment returns. 

In reality, my portfolio of debts is showing consistent appreciation in value through fresh borrowings and unhealthy interest charges. 

In my dreams, I live on one acre, in a double storey beachfront home.  

In reality, I live in a compact, two bedroom unit rented by my parents. 

In my dreams, I’m happily married to an intelligent, beautiful woman. I’m also having an affair with my gorgeous, thirty-something secretary. 

In reality, I’ve been single and desperate for twenty years.  

But, I have a surefire action plan to turn my dreams into reality. (details next post)  

Accordingly, I can face the future with confidence. 

Dreams come true for the man with a plan.

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But corporate life is not always bad. 

I am happy to report that Malcolm, my hard working and diligent friend from the previous post, found new employment and has been with his current employer for two years. 

During this time, his hard work and diligence has paid off. 

Three months ago, he received an outstanding performance review. His supervisor commented on his co-operative attitude and his willingness to do more than required. 

Malcolm’s reward is a pay increase of two percent, to be phased in over a four year period. The increase, which is being awarded to all non managerial employees, represents a reward for productivity gains of fifteen percent. 

In addition, in the company’s annual report, the Chairman will devote one sentence to praising “the contribution of highly skilled and dedicated employees who have made the company into an outstanding success.” 

His employer was unable to offer a larger increase due to ‘cost pressures.’ 

Cost pressures are mounting due to large increases in remuneration for senior management. All senior managers were recently awarded pay increases of up to 50%, not subject to performance.  

In order to maintain a competitive cost structure, the sizable increase in remuneration expenses at the managerial level must be offset by restraint at the non-managerial level. 

Accordingly, management cannot agree to irresponsible wage claims, such as the four percent increase proposed by the union.  

Wage restraint, along with continued hard work and dedication, is a sacrifice that employees must make in order to ensure the success of the company.

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Turning dreams into reality is one of the biggest challenges in life. 

My friend, Malcolm, is an IT professional. He approaches this challenge by hard work and sacrifice.  

Malcolm arrives at work early, puts his head down, and strives to achieve positive outcomes. He takes pride in his work.  

His reward from his first employer was a permanent vacation.   

On the day of the good news, they showered him with gratitude.  

First, he was treated to a meeting in the company boardroom, his first in four years at the company. There, he was told that due to a restructure in his department, he was now overqualified for any positions available.  

But the gratitude did not stop there. The company made other provisions for him, including: 

·        thirty minutes of company time to collect personal belongings; 

·        the opportunity to begin his vacation immediately; 

·        six weeks of vacation spending money, in addition to accumulated amounts owing; and 

·        his own personal security guard, to make certain that he did not inadvertently steal or damage company property, to remind him to hand in his security pass and to ensure his personal safety whilst leaving the building. 

But the best was still to come. 

His biggest reward came the very next week. The company announced a record profit result, along with the granting of an extra million stock options to the chief executive as a performance bonus.  

The hard work of dedicated employees like Malcolm had paid off - the boss could now earn an extra few million each year for taking it easy all day long. 

A true reward for effort indeed.

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Bill is mad and he’s coming my way – fast. Try smooth talking. 

“I’m really sorry about those reports, I’ll circulate them before next meeting. I thought you made a good point during the meeting about .. 

“Yes well I’m very sorry you were so bloody late!” he screams at me. “Do you know how it makes me look in front of those guys when my own staff can’t even turn up to a bloody meeting on time? 

It’s bloody humiliating! We’re trying to make major decisions and you think it’s OK to just turn up any time you feel like it.” 

Another butt kicking in public. I remain silent. Let him talk himself out and pretend to be concerned about what he is saying. 

Upon reflection, some interesting observations can be made about the contrasting approaches which Bill and I adopt toward each other’s rear end – at least metaphorically speaking.  

Bill appears to prefer the use of his foot to give my butt a nice big kick. This happens when he’s upset at me, when he’s upset at someone or something else, when he needs to feel powerful or just because he feels like it.  

He likes the feel of brutally thrusting his hard, tough boot into the soft, tender tissue of my bottom.     

I, on the other hand, adopt a gentler, kinder approach. I use my lips to give his bottom big fat sloppy kiss.  

Let me stress, I am speaking figuratively here, not literally. 

Even so, this is not something I enjoy. Bill treats me like dirt. I take no pleasure in having to be unconditionally nice to a man I utterly dislike.   

But I have to make sacrifices in order to survive in the corporate world.   

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The meeting closes.  

I have made a poor impression this morning and Bill does not appear to be happy. I’d better look motivated for the time being.  

“I’ll have a copy of those reports on your desk before Thursday.” I mention to Adam Johnson, attempting to sound like I truly regret not having been able to present them today. “I’m really sorry we didn’t have them today.”  

“Good man,” he replies. 

“Stewie,” begins Linda Darley, in a comforting, sympathetic tone. “Don’t worry about it mate. It wasn’t your fault that the server was down. It’s the bloody IT department’s fault.” 

“Yeah, but it just gets to me sometimes you know.” I maintain my façade about being upset. “I mean, it’s absolutely critical that we move forward quickly with this project. So it’s very frustrating when you guys don’t have access to reports like this at meetings because of technology problems. You know, it’s just not good enough.” 

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Attention turns to the Cost Analysis Report. 

“Now Stuart, about that Cost Analysis Report,” said Bill Johns, Finance Manager and my supervisor. “Obviously with the server down this morning, you would not have been able to run off your report. Is that correct? 

Did I hear correctly? The server was down! Hah hah! Yes – the server was down. You beauty!  

I am now armed with the perfect excuse – the server was down, so I could not print out the reports this morning. Now, no one has to know that I haven’t actually done them. I’m saved! 

Bless the trusty IT department! They’ve come through for me once more just when I needed them.  

But I dare not look too pleased. I fake an unhappy and somewhat frustrated gesture and tone of voice.  

“Unfortunately, no. I was planning to run them off earlier this morning, but the server is still down and I was unable to access the file. Sorry about that.” 

“That’s OK Stewie. It’s not your fault that the server was down,” said Adam Johnson, the logistics manager. “Why don’t you provide us with a copy of the reports before Friday’s meeting and we can discuss it then?”  

“No problem.” 

You beauty! I’ve got until Friday morning. No need to think about it until Thursday afternoon. 

Some say that technology always lets you down when you need to get something done.  

I disagree.  

Technology never let’s you down when you need an excuse for not producing results.

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I have not made a great impression. 

“Look I’m very sorry I’m late. It won’t happen again.” 

“We’ll, Mr. Robertson. To tell you the truth, I’m a little concerned.” Ted Grundy’s voice now assumes a tinge of seriousness, but maintains his sarcastic humor.   

“In this company, we take the health of our employees very seriously. Now it appears that the requirement to arrive at the office and start work at eight thirty is having an adverse effect on your sleeping patterns.  

As managing director and owner of this company, I feel that it’s my responsibility to help you through this problem. Here’s my solution.  

If this happens again, you needn’t bother coming to work at all. Just keep sleeping until your body tells you it’s time to wake up. Even then, you need not bother coming to work. And then you can sleep in the next day and the day after that, and every day after that.  

That way, we can be sure that our requirements in terms of starting times do not adversely affect your sleeping patterns or any other aspect of your health in any way.” 

“Ok, I understand.”. In other words, I’ll be fired if I’m late again.  

He is not happy with me now. How will he feel when he finds out that I have not prepared the Cost Analysis report for this meeting? 

I’m dead.

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Knock knock knock. 

“That you, Robertson,” mutters that low pitched, authoritative, grumpy voice. “Get your butt in here!”  

My situation is even more dire than at first thought. That’s the unmistakable voice of Ted Grundy, the Managing Director and majority owner of the company.  

Explaining myself to Bill and others in the meeting would have been bad enough. But Ted Grundy – this is downright frightening. 

“Good morning everyone. Sorry I’m late.”  

Seated around the meeting room table are Adam Johnson (Logistics Manager) Linda Darley (Assistant Logistics Manager), Nick Taylor (Division Manager), Ted Grundy (Managing Director) and of course, my boss Bill Mathers (Finance Manager). No one appears to be terribly impressed. 

“Really, Mr. Robertson,” Mr. Grundy began. “You know, it had occurred to me that perhaps the rest of us might have been early.”  

A slight chuckle echoes around the room. Ted Grundy has a habit of beginning with some sarcastic humor when you’ve done something wrong. But I know I’m in trouble. And I do not want to get on the wrong side of Ted Grundy. 

“Please, make yourself comfortable. Can I get you anything to drink? Tea or coffee? 

“No thanks.”  

“Oh, please Mr. Robertson, I insist. Since I, like others in the room here have had the privilege of waiting for you for twenty minutes, it seems only appropriate that I have the pleasure of waiting on you as well.” 

“I’m very sorry for being late and holding you all up.”  

“Oh no, not at all. You just join us whenever it suits you. Don’t worry about what time the meeting actually starts. Your time schedule and your personal convenience are both far more important than any of ours.  

I mean, I myself am only the Managing Director and owner of this company. I’m just a humble man. My time is not particularly important.  

But you - you’re the Finance Assistant. Your personal needs take precedence over anything else around here. So you just come and go whenever you please. We’ll all just fit around you.”  

Oh golly, this is just the beginning.

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My eyes bulge at the site of the first item on the list.  

Panic time again.  

Blimey - the logistics department meeting! It can’t be this morning, can it?  

Think …It’s on Monday the 16th … Oh dear, it is this morning. I forgot all about it. It started twenty minutes ago. I’m supposed to be there right now, presenting my report. I haven’t finished it. Bloody hell! 

I work for a medium sized telecommunications and technology company. We specialize in providing outsourced business processes, predominately for telecommunications companies.  

One service we provide is an order and fulfillment service. When corporate clients place an order for cell phones to provide for their staff, we handle the entire order and fulfillment process on behalf of the telecommunications company.  Our call centre will takes the clients’ orders and our distribution facility then packs and dispatches the order directly to the client. 

A meeting is being held this morning to discuss a range of options which are being considered for expansion of our distribution facilities. I am supposed to be in that meeting right now, presenting a Cost Analysis Report on each of the options being considered.  

However, I did not realize that the meeting was this morning. Now I’m twenty minutes late and I haven’t finished my report. I’m in deep trouble.  

How will I bluff my way through this one? Think, think … no ideas.  

Oh dear. I’m gone.

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Planning is critical for success. 

·        catch up on last night’s sleep

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