The story of a day in the life of an unsuccessful office worker

7:30am Come on baby, don’t let me down now!

The engine turns for three seconds and then stops dead. OK, let’s give her a little power and try again. I put my foot down lightly on the accelerator. 

The engine turns over and then “Broom broom, broom .. sputter sputter sputter” .. dead. Oh dear. Try again. More power this time. 

The engine turns over. “Broom, broom broom broom brooooooom broooooooooom” “Yes!” I pound the steering wheel. “Come on, come on, come on come on!” “..sputter sputter sputter ..” “Come on baby, don’t let me down now!” “.. sputter, sputter .. dead.”  One more try. 

The engine turns over “Broom, broom, broom, brooooooom ,brom, broom brooooooom,” Yes, finally. I put her in reverse and start back out of the driveway, knocking over the letterbox yet again.   

I back out into the street, attempt to change out of reverse and into first gear, and then ‘sputter, sputter … dead.’ She stalls on me in the middle of the street. 

The engine turns over and this time, THIS TIME, she finally gets going for good. Naturally, the heater doesn’t work and it’s freezing cold. 

My day can only get better from here. Things are looking up.

 

C’mon baby

7:29am Think positive - it’s Monday!

Think positive. Things will be different on this wonderful, freezing cold Monday morning. 

The car will start first time. All traffic lights will be green. There will be no delays due to road works, broken down vehicles or accidents. The traffic will be lighter than usual and I will get a nice smooth run.  

Because it’s Monday, other drivers will be in a courteous, considerate, relaxed and calm state of mind. They will kindly allow me ample space whenever I need to change lanes. They will not exert any form of aggression whatsoever, be it with  horn, finger or fist.      

I will arrive at work on time, pumped and ready for the new week. My bosses and co-workers will be in a great mood and will greet each other with big smiles on their faces. Full of optimism, their passion for teamwork, co-operation and a positive work environment will stand out in every way. The entire office will be abuzz with the dynamic and vibrant atmosphere of employees who have been liberated from the burden of having to spend an entire two days away from the place they love so dearly – their office or cubicle. 

With a positive thought and a smile, I turn the key of my 30 year old Volkswagon.

7:26am No time for breakfast

“I’m off mum,” I yell as I go to walk out the door. “Bye.” 

“Not so fast, Stewart James Robertson,” says my mother. “You have not had breakfast yet, have you? 

“That’s OK, I’m running late. I’ll get something from the coffee shop.” 

“Oh no you will not! You will not have coffee and doughnuts. You need to start looking after yourself. You need to lose some weight.”  

Great. I’m a twenty five, I live with my parents, I’m running late for work and good old mum is trying to look after me. It’s sweet of her, but right now I could do without it. Besides, what’s wrong with coffee and doughnuts for breakfast at ten thirty? 

“I bought these new breakfast bars,” she continues. “You can eat them on the way when you are running late.”  

Wonderful. Health food. Looks disgusting. Bet it tastes that way, too!  

No time to argue. I’ll take them, bin them at work and have coffee and doughnuts as normal. Problem solved.  

“Thanks mum.” I stuff them in my briefcase and now head for the door.  

“Just a minute, Stewart dear.” Those three dreaded words mean one thing – I’m not getting out the door yet.  

She hurries over to me and fiddles around with my clothes to ‘straighten me up.’ I stand still, waiting for the pain of this procedure to be over.  

“Now, just let me have a look at you.” She steps back and conducts a two second examination of my personal presentation. “Yep. That’s fine now. Oh, you look so handsome. I’m so proud of you!” (whatever) 

Finally – departure authorization granted.

7:23am My favorite underwear

Got em. My favorite pair of blue and white boxer shorts - the ones with the characters from Lord of the Rings.  

I always save my favorites for Monday. They make Monday somewhat bearable.  

Ergonomists say that physical comfort at the workstation is essential for maximum performance. Accordingly, I believe my boxers are a crucial element in making effective use of my work day. 

I have to sit in an uncomfortable chair all day. My boxers provide that tight, silky feel around the groin and buttocks area, offering essential comfort and support for the area most affected by contact with the chair. Therefore, they play a significant role in optimizing my immediate physical environment.

 

Shirt .. jacket .. pants - I shove these uncomfortable clothes on and tie my noose around my neck.  Keys … wallet … phone … used unclean handkerchief  …got em – ready. 

Next stage - getting past mum in the kitchen. 

7:20am Waking up to a sixty second stone cold shower

I jump straight into a stone cold sixty second shower.  

I’d prefer to wake up to a fifteen minute warm shower, but as usual, I’m running late. Now I need a quick fix, a quick wake up call. 

I’m a tough guy – except for when it comes to cold showers, where the cowardice in me takes over. I turn the shower on and stand to the side as I put shampoo on my head and attempt to gain the courage to actually get under the water.  

A voice inside me screams “You whimp! You absolute pansy. Just get under the bloody water – it won’t hurt you.” 

I dip my head under – and immediately jerk it back to safety as I feel the immense pain of that freezing cold water making contact with my body. 

“What the “bloody hell was that!” my inner voice continues. “Just get under and stay under!” 

This time, I put my whole body under. I spend all of five seconds washing my hair, two seconds on my face and two seconds each of my arms, chest and well, other vital body parts which must be clean and fresh to start the day. 

Some say a quick warm shower beats a quick cold shower. I disagree. It’s easy to have a cold shower lasting only sixty seconds. But having to get out of a nice warm shower after just sixty seconds – that’s torture! 

Nevertheless, a cold shower is still less enjoyable than a tetanus injection.