The story of a day in the life of an unsuccessful office worker

7:18am Wake up Stewie, it’s a great day!

“Ouuuuuugh!” I rub my eyes and take a bigggg stretch.  

Wobblewobblewobblewobble. I shake my head from side to side in a vain attempt to jolt my mind and body into some form of operating functionality. I commence a sluggish amble toward the bathroom.   

Thhhuuddd! Ahhhhhhhh! What the bloody hell was that? Oh. It was that bloody briefcase! I’ve tripped over it and fallen flat on my face. It kills!  

I raise myself up slowly and glance back at the love of my life – my bed. In just sixteen hours, we can be reunited.  

In my imagination, my bed is talking to me. It is saying “Lie back dow-wn! Hey, Stewie, it’s cold out there. Lie back down for a few hours in comfort and warmth. Call in sick today. You can even have one of your favorite Jennifer Anniston dreams!” 

Sounds tempting, but I have to resist. 

Time to face a new week in this wonderful life of mine, where I get to deal with an a*** h*** boss, constant demands from arrogant line managers, zero subordinates, traffic chaos, a nagging mother, massive unpaid debts on car and student loans and zero girlfriends.  

Another exciting week in the life of Stewart Robertson! I can hardly wait. Let me at it!

 

 

 

 

7:17am Do I really have to get up now?

Do I really have to get up and go to work now?  

I’m so warm and cozy. The thought of getting up and facing a new week seems too unbearable to contemplate. Surely I can just keep lying here for another five minutes, can’t I? (and then another five minutes, and then five more minutes after that, and so on) 

No… I am running late for work … I am running out of excuses for being late for work …. I will probably lose my job (again) if I don’t get up now…. And I have to get up at some time anyway. So bugger, yeah.  I do have to get up now.   

With a great deal of reluctance, my right arm crosses over my body and grabs hold of my blanket from underneath on the left side of the bed. I then swing my arm back across my body in a short, sharp motion, casting aside my cozy, warm, snuggly blanket and exposing my body to the reality of the day.  

I roll over slightly and transfer my weight to the right side of my body. Pressing the upper part of my right arm against the right side of the bed, I use all of physical mental and emotional strength I can muster to roll swiftly back over to my other side. In the same action, I swivel my body so that my legs swing around sharply off the lower part of the bed and in the direction of the floor. My left arm gently braces against the mattress in order to support my upper body and prevent my entire body from simply rolling out onto the floor in one messy heap.  

I gently lower my legs on to the floor. Then, in a single slow, gradual motion, I pull myself up to the point where I am standing up straight.  

I have just overcome life’s most difficult challenge.

I Hate Getting Out of Bed Syndrome (IHGOOBS)

In my previous post, I mentioned that I suffer from a crippling medical condition called I hate getting out of bed and going to work syndrome.  

This is one specific variety of a broader range of conditions referred to as I hate getting out of bed syndrome (IHGOOBS).  

Other varieties of the condition include:  

·        I hate getting out of bed and going to school syndrome;   

·        I had too much to drink last night and now I have a hangover syndrome; and  

·        My bed is so comfortable that I just don’t want to get up anyway syndrome. 

Many factors contribute to this condition. These can include:  

·        difficult bosses; 

·        unrealistic workloads;  

·        traffic chaos on the way to work;  

·        excessive drinking the night before; 

·        freezing cold temperatures or wet weather; and  

·        warm and comfortable beds.  

Sufferers typically experience a high degree of physical and mental lethargy at around six or seven o’clock in the morning, particularly on Monday mornings. 

There is no known cure. Those that are unable to manage their condition suffer three known short and long term effects – an inability to arrive at work on time, frequent trips to their local employment service and an unsuccessful career.  

I am yet to learn how to effectively manage my condition and the process of getting up requires an enormous amount of physical and emotional effort on my behalf. 

This morning is no different. I just don’t want to get out of bed and it will take an enormous effort for me to do so.

7:15am Good god it’s morning!

“Ouuuuuuuuuu!” Big yawn.  

Let’s see, what time is it? I rub my half open eyes and roll over to check my clock radio. 

Seven fifteen.  

The time half registers somewhere deep within my sub-conscious as I roll back over as if going back to sleep again.  

What day is it today? I roll back over again and check the day – Monday.  Another yawn, and I clear my head and take a second to gather my thoughts.  

Seven fifteen. Monday. Hmmm. 

What? Seven fifteen! Monday!  

All of the sudden I gain semi-consciousness and it hits me. It’s seven fifteen on Monday morning.  

Hang on. Let’s just check. Is that seven fifteen? On Monday? That can’t be right can it?  

I recheck. It is. I’m running late for work – again! 

Many people placed in my situation would instantaneously spring out of bed and rush into a quick shower in order to get ready and arrive at work on time. But not me.  

You see, I suffer from a common medical condition. It’s technically referred to as I hate getting out of bed and going to work syndrome. 

This condition is described in detail in the next post. For now, suffice it to say that I never spring out of bed because: 

GETTING OUT OF BED SUCKS!